Text 28 Jun 552,325 notes

shaxaphone:

cute things to call your girlfriend:

1. sugar 
2. honey 
3. flour 
4. egg 
5. 1/2lb butter 
6. stir 
7. pour into pan 
8. preheat to 375°

via pizza ✌.
Video 28 Jun 419,663 notes

whoremionegrunger:

i guess this proves you shouldn’t make assumptions about anyone.

(Source: doctopus)

via pizza ✌.
Text 28 Jun 483,327 notes

zaynofrps:

Ahh the sweet smell of being replaced

via pizza ✌.
Photo 28 Jun 447,382 notes hipster-trichster:

2makeyewsmile:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.  Officer: Don’t have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can’t do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

that was a wild ride

hipster-trichster:

2makeyewsmile:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

that was a wild ride

via pizza ✌.
Video 28 Jun 457,709 notes

baiovevo:

FIVE YEARS HE WAITED FIVE YEARS

via pizza ✌.
Photo 4 Jun 395,850 notes
Text 4 Jun 1 note
Video 27 May 3,347 notes

(Source: danedehaan)

via ~*~blog~*~.
Video 27 May 120,757 notes

bawsswang:

da-ghetto-booteh:

methhomework:

straight people be like

Omfg

HAHAHAHAH

Text 27 May 80,585 notes
Quote 27 May 310,225 notes

Because when I was 13 years old, I was sent home for my tank top straps being a little too thin, but a boy could wear a Cool Story babe, Go Make Me A Sandwich shirt and not be looked at twice.

Because when I was 17 and I told a guy “No” and the next day the word tease was painted on my locker.

Because when I was 18 and just wanted to be friends, I was a bitch.

Because I feel the need to say “I have a boyfriend” instead of “No” because guys respect other men more than they would ever respect me.

Because society screams “don’t get raped” instead of “don’t rape”

Because I am scared to walk alone at 10 PM

Because being beautiful is the most important thing I’ll ever do.

Because when I wear my favorite skirt “I’m asking for it”

Because the song Blurred Lines exists

Because no means no no matter how you fucking spin it

Because a girl was drugged and raped with a beer bottle, and the boys who did it are out on bail.

Because I owe you nothing

Because pepper spray is a gift I receive yearly.

Because I am asked if I have a boyfriend more than I am asked about my mental health

Because my clothes say more about my consent then my mouth does.

Because the wage gap exists

Because “not all men are like that” is said way too often

ENOUGH ARE

Because I feel the need to say “I’m not a feminist but…”

Because I’m writing this fucking piece

— When you ask why I’m angry? (via brennanat)
Text 27 May 226,553 notes

burgrs:

I failed my final because a GIRL sitting next to me was wearing a TANK TOP ad i saw her sholders and got distracted all the blood in my brain went to my huge Dong


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