cute things to call your girlfriend:
5. 1/2lb butter
7. pour into pan
8. preheat to 375°
i guess this proves you shouldn’t make assumptions about anyone.
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
that was a wild ride
Because when I was 13 years old, I was sent home for my tank top straps being a little too thin, but a boy could wear a Cool Story babe, Go Make Me A Sandwich shirt and not be looked at twice.
Because when I was 17 and I told a guy “No” and the next day the word tease was painted on my locker.
Because when I was 18 and just wanted to be friends, I was a bitch.
Because I feel the need to say “I have a boyfriend” instead of “No” because guys respect other men more than they would ever respect me.
Because society screams “don’t get raped” instead of “don’t rape”
Because I am scared to walk alone at 10 PM
Because being beautiful is the most important thing I’ll ever do.
Because when I wear my favorite skirt “I’m asking for it”
Because the song Blurred Lines exists
Because no means no no matter how you fucking spin it
Because a girl was drugged and raped with a beer bottle, and the boys who did it are out on bail.
Because I owe you nothing
Because pepper spray is a gift I receive yearly.
Because I am asked if I have a boyfriend more than I am asked about my mental health
Because my clothes say more about my consent then my mouth does.
Because the wage gap exists
Because “not all men are like that” is said way too often
Because I feel the need to say “I’m not a feminist but…”
Because I’m writing this fucking piece